Things you need to know...

In every man and woman’s life comes a time where you have to face the facts of life and come to know of the mysteries behind raiding and being in a guild, come let me lead you through these troubled waters of uncertainty and onto the shore of raid readiness.

Preparation: Coming to a raid without any food, drinks, flasks and pots that give buffs is perfectly normal as nothing cements guild kinship as going from person to person begging for food and stuff does. Remember to NOT thank anyone who gives you anything as that is what a guild member is for, providing you with free stuff. For extra points bitch about the buff you get as it shows you are paying attention.

Repairs: Coming to a raid without doing repairs to your gear is a clever thing to do as lets face it you will rack up a serious repair bill during it so you might as well wait till you have finished and only pay the once; I mean its not like it will affect your stats…

Being on time: When was the last time you actually saw the doctor, dentist or hooker on the time actually specified on your appointment? If most professionals see it fit to be fashionably late so should you. I mean these people will understand you finishing off that last bit of cake or talking to that fit Swedish bird on msn that everyone else calls Dave…Its not like these guys have partners, children and jobs to be dealing with is it…

Roles: In every raid there will be one jumped up little tax man spouting on about tactics and what to do and what not to do, ignore him completely he is only rabitting on as he is in love with his voice. You are the best player ever in your class so if you keep wiping it must be the others not being able to keep up with your awesomeness and nothing to do with you not following their rubbish tactics.

Now one thing most people don’t realise is the whole point of raiding has nothing to do with downing bosses, achievements, gearing up or badges, it’s all about the dps meter. You have only one aim to come top of the dps meter nothing else matters no matter what class or role you are it’s your job to come top and prove to everyone what a massive e-peen you have. If the tanks can’t grab aggro from the mobs that have just appeared and have been hit by your AoE before he even sees them then that’s his problem for being a crap tank. Same goes for healers if he can’t keep you up when you have aggroed the entire instance then he is crap as well.

People Skills: You are an awesome player that is a given and the guild is lucky to have you, fact! So if there are ranking systems within the guild you must look down with derision and contempt on those lower than you. You must go out of your way to insult them at every opportunity, belittle their crap skills and rubbish gear, whinge like a dingo that has been shot in the backside with a pellet gun to the fact that why have they been allowed to raid and if they even dare to roll on gear that is about to be disenchanted threaten to storm out of the guild taking many others with you. Also note anyone above you in rank only got there by blowing the GM.

LootLooting: rules are only made so you can screen the crap players and low level rankers, these don’t apply to you as you’re awesome. Fact! If you see something that your other character with his off spec might just need then you need like a bitch on it and if anyone dares to roll against you now is the time to bring up how many times they died on such a run or messed such a thing up (if you can whip up racial or nationality hatred into the mix you get extra kudos points).
Also if you see something you don’t need but one of the other guild members need desperately but have been disrespectful to you earlier that week or even refused to drop their britches and bend over when told to then need just to block his ass.If by some mistake an officer or GM decided to give any item you wanted for yourself or an alt character to anyone but you then there is only one thing to do… bitch like mad at every officer and guild member available but make sure you do it in whispers and be sure to insinuate a dodgy relationship between the two into the mix. If you’re really good you can create factions against each officer to make things easier to get on their nerves when needed.

Appreciation: Raiding isn’t easy few people can match your level of awesomeness so when things aren’t going to plan and you are wiping constantly there are certain things to do and not to do. Things not to do: don’t think on where you are going wrong or what you could possible do better or differently as that’s just crazy talk, also don’t try to boost morale in the group as that’s just being too soft on them and they don’t deserve it after getting you killed so many times. Things to do: pick out people you don’t like or perhaps made a mistake and scream at them for being shite, tell them they are a pimple on the arse of uselessness and if they make one more mistake you are personally going to come round and insert your keyboard into an orifice of their choosing. This is tough love and is for their benefit.

And there you have the basic know how of raiding next time we shall go over advanced techniques such as faking disconnects and spamming chat.

This presentation has been brought to you by Nslash and his brand of sarcasm if you don’t understand the tongue in cheek manner then you are either American, Ita or in need of watching some Monty Python… good night.